Thank you so much. I agree and it’s just that we have to be on good terms with one another in this program and be nice on the surface even if maybe we don’t like certain people. Question now is what should I, and we collectively as a group, do? If you can share insight on my questions in the post specifically regarding next steps, it will be so helpful.

Thank you for sharing. Does that change at all if we are not currently at a workplace as in a company, but it is still a professional career-oriented program? I’m really not sure where else I am supposed to find a partner if not at a place where everyone is around the same age and well-rounded, especially when there’s this time constraint. Dating is difficult!

I agree, thank you for sharing!

Any advice or suggestions on how to handle this situation? It is getting increasingly weirder and I want to do what I can to salvage it or at least not be distracted by all this.

Thank you so much! I’m afraid the updates might change your take? It’s a personal group text with all of them, and it’s getting weird. I don’t know how to salvage this. I want to be friends and stay professional overall, while tapping into potential with the guy I like, but then again I don’t know if it’s time for me to just distance myself from the group. He also doesn’t really text me individually and hasn’t asked me to spend time one on one, so I fear the group text prevents this.

I would certainly say so. I’ve added more context above and my head gets jumbled when I meet with the guys. I do feel this awkwardness stemming from how the group text started, and pressure to add a girl, and that we’re all just trying to make it work. But I’m not sure if it’s just me reading too much into it or my romantic feelings getting in the way? What should I do, and should I explain the behind the scenes context or will that make things worse?

Please see updates in the post. I would really appreciate your advice here!

Thank you for sharing. I’m worried about the extremely awkward conversation I had with Bob and that he will harp on that rather than the hugs thing when talking to his friend. That conversation sent everything in a spiral and became this huge pain point that can undermine my friendship with his friend (most important to me out of all this), more than the hugs themselves. Ugh I hate that this happened and am afraid of the consequences or that it’ll change all dynamics. Won’t his friend feel like I’m hiding something or not being honest if I don’t proactively communicate with him? Or, would this be a don’t tell if he doesn’t ask? Is it more likely that bringing this up will open a new box of problems and backfire?

I hear you and that’s always wise, but I’m really not sure where I’m supposed to meet someone. At extracurricular clubs or people from completely other professional teams at this organization?

Thank you for sharing. I’m struggling because his friend is one of my closest friends, and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I feel like I did start to get emotionally attached during my deep conversation with his friend yesterday. Do you think it’s not a good idea because they’re such best buddies and will put bro code above me? Should I talk to his friend today when we’re one on one in person? If so, what should I even say without obliterating all potential of friendship developing into something more with him (the friend)? There are a lot of politics here too so whatever happens, we all need to at least be on good terms with each other.

I am so uncomfortable because of the new developments! He not only called but Facetimed me, and obviously does not want to have a trail. I am glad he ignored the reply I sent back via work email at the time but I thought that was it and he has resurfaced. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you for your advice. I want to so badly but I’m so afraid they will retaliate and slander my name especially because I’m not sure what my next career steps are and that could jeopardize future opportunities in the same line of work. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you for your advice. I liked your suggestion and did exactly this, even including a more distant salutation and explicitly saying “Farewell” whereas in my mass email to the whole group, I stated this isn’t Farewell. He ignored my email thankfully, however he has called me again recently after I met Ann to thank her for her help. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you so much for your advice. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to come back to this post but there have been recent developments and not good ones. I like your advice to reply from my work email address and ultimately did so. Thankfully he ignored, and then I left the firm, thinking that was it. I did meet with Ann since I kept delaying a proper thank you and felt she still deserved that for helping me out. I briefly mentioned that in an ideal world, I would’ve had calls with more people before leaving, and that in reality I wanted to keep it very low-key so it was unnecessary for people to keep reaching out especially when I wasn’t even that close to them. She immediately took this as some sort of reference that it was ok for Ned specifically to call me AGAIN and I know she blabbed every detail to him as well as the other tough coworker in my post (let’s say Al). She asked if I called Al before leaving and I said yes and did that due to: 1) Al respectfully and explicitly suggested it well in advance, 2) I like and respect him, 3) we were working on the same project - none of which I can say about Ned. So Ned not only called me in the morning the next day which is a holiday - he had the audacity to FaceTime me. And why the fuck is he not sending a text or email at all? Why the fuck does he think he can just call out of the blue, especially after I have left the firm and have given the cold shoulder multiple times? The reason this is bothering me so much is that I want to be on good terms in case I go back to that line of work at some point. And they are all a toxic as shit package deal - Ned complains to Ann who spreads the word to all their little sycophants including this previous member of the group who left before me but is very well-connected and I fear she will snitch on me to a potential future company in the same profession. What should I do now? It is causing me anguish and I want to keep options open, however can I do that by ignoring him and can someone jeopardize someone else’s job offer with slander??

Oh man they both didn’t deserve you and another ounce of your energy! Thank you so much and will warmly welcome you to guest on my podcast haha, sending a big online hug back!

Thank you so much for your input, a lot to think about. I think I will wonder about him from time to time and worry about his welfare. It’ll have to be from a distance. Stay well!

Not the same person but I don’t know if that makes this better or worse, girl. And I’m fully aware my dating record so far has potential for a pretty profitable heartbreak podcast :'( Narcissist, tortured bad boy, lovebombers, guy who dumps me right before my favorite holiday, middle aged coworker who almost kidnaps me (we weren’t dating, but damn).

It helped so much to imagine everything without the sparkly tingly feels. Frightening. I agree it was moving way too fast from his side and I truly hope he finds the resources to heal. I told him he deserves happiness and hope he stays well. I’ll think about him time to time from afar. Unable to be with him, unable to forget him. That’s the way it goes. Thank you for your help, friend

Well said, I still have scars but at least they’re not open wounds anymore. And I do believe the breakup helped him in his journey even if it didn’t seem like it to either of us at that point in time. It shook him awake a bit and hopefully offered some new perspective.

Thank you for the reminder, friend. I sometimes am the hardest on myself.

Thank you for your edit. I feel like some people will think you’re being dramatic and that strangulation specifically sounds like this far-fetched phenomenon. However, I believe this is really important to address.

I want to share my two cents and illustrate why it’s not all that uncommon yet how common it is for this to be overlooked. I once was into kinky choking with significant others. I no longer entertain this and will stand by this no matter how tempted. In a frisky moment with my narcissist ex’s hands on my neck, he straight up said: “I want to SUFFOCATE you”. No one has ever said something like that to me, he was completely unprovoked, we were in good moods, and we didn’t even have so much as a disagreement at that point. For him to say that to me, as a narcissist who isn’t a veteran with PTSD, let alone a veteran with PTSD who clearly a massively damaged and dangerous person AND has war trauma, is chilling as is. Add in a few fights and drama, that becomes an even more concerning situation.

I’m not trying to dictate what people should do in the confines of their bedrooms, but I have to at least voice this. Take the kinky element out of the picture for a second. That is a full-grown man sucking the oxygen out of a woman’s lungs, both in their most vulnerable and defenseless states. If a form of taking someone’s life is what gets you going, that’s your choice and a different story entirely. I’m just saying it’d be wise to think twice, think about what actions are actually happening right before your eyes and if the risk is worth the reward. I haven’t even gotten to the psychological and mental effects that can come from glorifying choking and downplaying its dangers. There are plenty of studies online with statistics of choking inadvertently becoming fatal. One does not need to intend to murder, in order for it to happen.

I’ll even share one more. After breaking up from the narcissist, I had an extremely successful, attractive, well-liked guy tell me that he chokes anyone else in the room when he watches a horror movie. I later read up on it, and this is also not healthy behavior. So if this can be such a common concept thrown out in everyday conversation, why would anyone want to purposefully subject themselves to this literally life-threatening position - for the cheap thrills? Because they do it online? “Everyone” else does it therefore you should too?

PS: I’m not a prude and am all for other playful kinky delights with the right person. Just felt the need to share this from my personal experience which is also supported by clinical research.

Narcissist ex was Mr. Charm who became Mr. Harm. I was reeling from that for the whole year. The worst part is I think part of him genuinely regretted not being capable of knowing better than he did in the moment and couldn’t undo it. But no matter how remorseful he was in that instant, his narcissism is so deeply rooted that it would just be alleviating a symptom and not curing the disease. I was heartbroken but knew I couldn’t heal him, fix him, save him. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about it as if I missed the solution that could make us work, but then I remind myself of the same reality - he is a narcissist who is fundamentally different from me and I would only be signing up for more pain rather than learning the lesson at a root level.