World is an absolute shit show with no signs of improving, personal life just keeps turning upside down, everything makes me terminally tired. I am trying to remain positive and be a positive force for others. I do stuff to make me feel better, like art, take walks, talk to a therapist, grow plants, community work - and I do manage to squeeze a tiny happiness out of my activities but it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort. I try to connect with people and quite a few people actually seem to like me but socializing makes me feel exhausted. I catch myself thinking “Let the fucking war arrive and burn it all down” and that’s terrifying stuff to carry in one’s own head. I just feel I’m part of the overpopulation and that there’s no point of existing.
I have a kid and don’t want them to be sad because their crazy parent offed themselves and that’s all that keeps me going.
Those of you feeling like this: what keeps you going?
EDIT: Wow, this has been quite a day. Thanks for your answers and advice, it was so far the darkest day I found on my path and you really helped me through it! I’d like to send a virtual hug to all, especially those who seem to be struggling as much as I do and who stay around for the sake of their loved ones, or simply out of spite and anger. The heavy tension-inducing weather that was been brewing here all morning finally unloaded into an impressive thunderstorm with bucket loads of rain, and then a friend arrived telling me she was feeling quite the same way (the weather clearly didn’t help today!), and she inspired me to host a meeting I wanted to do since a long time, so I finally set up a date for it and announced it. So here we go again, despite or with the rage, the spite, the heavy heart. See you tomorrow, hopefully with some sun to try that ‘baking cookies in my car’ thing I just found in the shitposting community. At least there will be cookies to go with the doom tomorrow!
You might have better results working with a doctor and getting perscriptions for the mind altering drugs that assist you.
Trying to trust your own brain to self assess what works and doesn’t while actively messing with its chemistry it uses to do that assessment… it can work, but it’s definitely choosing to do it on hard mode.
I have zero trust in prescription drugs and the people who prescribe them. I’ve seen several peoples’ lives destroyed. I’ve seen family members turned into literal potatoes and addicts by the trial and error fuckery that is psychiatry - I know I’ll probably be downvoted to hell for this but that’s what it is for me. If you think someone else can assess your brain better that you can do it yourself and that the pharmaceutical industry has your best interest in mind then we will have to respectfully disagree with each other. I know that psychiatric drugs and DSM-based diagnoses help a lot of people, and I respect that it works for them, but I’ll steer clear of that. If that’s called hard mode so be it.