I recently learned that a dear friend has an aggressive form of cancer. She is starting treatment soon. I don’t know much about what dealing with cancer is like, so I thought I’d ask for people’s experience here.
I had no cancer, but know people that did and one thing that came up often is that people tend to distance themselves from them. Not in a mean way, but dealing with special needs is tedious and that is often just a cause to not do certain things. Spending time together (no matter what you end up doing) gives a sense of normalcy and can really push someone to keep fighting. Cancer is a marathon with additional sprints (chemo) on top. Not being alone through all of this is a huge help
John Green had a quote about this that he was saying even before his brother had cancer.
“Don’t just do something, stand there.”
I liked Hank Green’s stand-up about his experience with cancer.
When I had cancer, my entire workplace came together and did several things for me:
- Bought me a Dyson vacuum.
- Purchased 3 months worth of frozen dinners from a local place that made and delivered fully prepared frozen meals that you can just throw in the oven.
- Sometimes people would take my kids to and from school for me when I wasn’t up to it, for about a month.
My sister and brother in law came over and cleaned my house for me, my Dad would take my kids over the weekend all the time.
Thankfully, I’m still here 20 years later, all my kids are grown and are wonderful people.
I am so thankful for all the help everyone gave me.
I regularly mowed my neighbor’s lawn during their time in treatment since they had almost no energy for it. Sometimes I would make soup, but if you are going to cook, find out what their food restrictions are first.
I’m currently in treatment for Hodgin Lymphoma. An old friend that I rarely see volunteered to take me to chemo every two weeks for six months. We have really good visits while I’m in the chair. Last week I got out my tablet and showed him my farm in Minecraft. I don’t like being asked how I’m doing or how I’m feeling because literally everyone asks and I get tired of answering. I prefer, “Do you need anything?” or “Can I help in any way?” I’m not good at asking for help. A friend who I have helped several times just showed up with her partner and four kids and their partners and got our place ready for fall. One of the kids partners was a plumber and he installed a couple of sinks for us. We have a bunch of people around us who have offered to help and meant it. One got up early and drove my son and his bike to school two days after chemo. Another has done groceries for us and taken my wife grocery shopping because she doesn’t drive. If you offer to help mean it and do anything you can to help. Otherwise, just be there and do things other than talk about cancer. Normalcy is welcome. If she wants to talk, talk. If she just wants you to be there, be there.
I’m currently going through chemo treatment. I’ve been very lucky so far since I had very mild side effects and my chemo protocol is very intense. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is be available for visits whenever she has the energy for it. My godmother also went through a harsh treatment and multiple surgeries, and she said she felt constantly lonely, and even though I’m a very “home” person, I also miss seeing some friends a bit more than usual.
If you want to ask anything feel free to, I don’t mind talking about it.
Household chores when they are experiencing the aftermath of the chemotherapies, driving them to the hospital, and allowing them to express whatever they need.
Mine was relatively minor, but I felt like the times I started to vent my feelings, it was met with either stunned silence or quick assurances that everything would feel alright. It was like I really shouldn’t vent my feelings and be heard, just accept that everything will be alright.
